At the beginning of this blog back in 2007 when I was about to go off the maintenance migraine medicine I came up with two goals. One was to develop an identity and one was to get healthy and fit enough to run. I haven't tried to run since the fall when my son came with me and found it too difficult to keep ahead of me. So at time I was not in worse shape than he was. I should probably trying running again to see how much and how far I can manage.

Anyway, I think I am definitely a bit more healthy than I was. I biked all winter, one month getting to a high of more than seven miles a day.

I've been keeping track and I get an average of nine migraine days a month. They are not too bad usually. I don't count them unless they are bad enough to take Advil for them. The trouble with the migraines is the way they leave me wooly headed. On days when I have them and the day after I have them I am usually too groggy to make any sense out of life, and prone to ruminating and feeling gloomy.

I think I have more of an identity but I still don't have a strong one. It is more based on being a guy who does his health and development plan than on personal relationships or professional abilities or anything.

  It has been many months since B died, and many months since I made a journal entry.

  E has remained in close contact, phoning from Montreal several times a week.

  My mother has attempted to get back in contact with me again, which is not good. My mother has Wernicke Korsakov psychosis and about three and a half years ago I broke contact with her, figuring it was better for the children, and in fact safer for all of us. Hopefully my being unwilling to resume contact with her will discourage her. R in Toronto says that she still often goes into long rants about how badly I have treated her and what a terrible person I am. I'm the bad son. As long as she feels I'm the bad guy I'm sure it's not safe to have contact with her.

  I frequently feel badly remembering how B died, and details about it, like that last five day vigil while I gave her morphine and stayed in the bedroom with her and she was generally not conscious. I wince about it when I think about her. I dunno why I am carrying this with me. I understood when I got sad when my dad died, but didn't expect to be injured when B did. When I went to the funeral she had chosen a hymn which had the tune to "Jupiter" from "The Planets" by Holst, because she knew I loved that piece and I am afraid sitting there I broke up really shamefully, not just tearing but boo-hooing, no self control at all. I dunno why it hit me all so hard. I thought I was tougher than that, or at least not so close to her.

I was fired at the end of January, basically because I missed so much time during the summer with all the visits to Maryland. They waited until January to do it but I could tell the writing was on the wall. V was laid off a week later so we are now all living on EI. However the debt is down to only some thirteen-thousand so we can almost make ends meet. Unfortunately E in Montreal needs more money as she is not yet working, and has rent to pay instead of free room and board living at home. One way or another we will contrive. I am waiting for money to come in from some source so I can pay the bills this month. It might be V's severance, my tax return or inheritance money. Or nothing might show up until June.

The lice are gone although I think it took until Christmas because I just couldn't stop R from re-infecting herself. She would wear hats and things and not change her pillowcase after lice treatments. I found the unused pillowcases in her room. But luckily the rest of us got rid of them and stayed without them.

I got to spend time with A in Maryland the week of the funeral. That was tremendously important to me.

I am still using 43Things, and still trying to meet my health and development routines. But now that I am not working the three I am really trying to work hard at are accounting courses, studying French and writing.

I'm okay. I'm pissed off because of my mother trying to hunt me down and showing up on my doorstep -I can sympathise, but only a little. If she were not still bitterly angry at me I would sympathise more. And I am worried a lot about money.

I am very happy because the exercise program meant that in the spring I was in as good shape or better than I had been in the fall. It feels grand to lope up hills

Current Mood: contemplative

B passed away on Monday morning of last week, about seven hours before I had to leave to catch my flight home. I was there, although dozing off in the room. That week I was going on an average of four or so hours of sleep. For someone who normally needs nine hours that was not much.

Her funeral is on Saturday. I am on my way back down there on Thursday so I can attend it and get death certificates and start doing things. I suspect a bunch of the death certificates will have to go to the lawyer.

The whole month is passing in a blur. At work I am racing to try to get everything done. At home I am trying to juggle multiple errands and all the housework and thing compressed into very little time. To make matters tighter I have arranged to see a counselor Thursday morning about my issues to do with Mum, and I took my first painting course on Thursday evening.

I am not hurting as much for money as you would think.

I organized my entire birthday and since I was feeling fairly worn out, that means we didn't do much. I brought home a couple of barbeque chickens and after supper R made cupcakes. I bought all my own gifts, even the ones from the kids.

Since then I have also bought new pants, new shoes and a new shirt to wear to the funeral, and a pair of winter boots. You'd think I'd be hurting desperately for money but I got a child tax credit cheque for a thousand dollars, which helped. And someone sent me five hundred dollars to put towards flights so we are going to manage I think. Anyway, the only bill that is unpaid is V's driver's license.

I got a phone call today. B is failing fast and was given last rites today. I am flying down first thing in the morning. I leave the house at four a.m.

It cost me 1200 to change the flights. That's on top of the cost of the ticket which I changed. So much for paying off the debt.

She sounds terrible, little and faint.

I only hope I got enough done before I left work; I am concerned about leaving that. I should have replenished petty cash but I couldn't not and get to the bank for the American cash I need to take shuttles.

And terrified about not waking up at three thirty and so missing my flight.

I feel very tired but I think the food has made me bounce back so I won't easily sleep. Perhaps I should actually try to do some of my routines.

We were trying to arrange to have S able to come down for the funeral too, but I think it is too late and will be more than I can afford. He doesn't have the ID he needs yet.
 

Hurricane Hanna is in town. Actually it's the far northern tail of Hurricane Hanna so it was just heavy rain and that was it. I was sulky. The kids were staying close so I couldn't get into my program and a comb of R's hair brought out a few dozen white nymphs and one more lively adult louse. I wanted to do a house clean which meant putting five bags of garbage out but with the rain totally streaming it was a daunting prospect, as was my walk.

So I announced I was going for my walk regardless of the rain and the bairns opted to come with me, helped get the garbage out and we went out in the stream hard rain. It was a great deal of fun. The lake was at least two feet deeper, and in the bay that faces the boat rentals where a brook gurgles through a pipe under the road the water was at least eight inches deep gushing in a thick stream over the road. I waded it in my old sneakers.

At the halfway point R reported that her boots were too small and she couldn't walk home in them any more. So she came home barefoot. When we got to the bottom of Lily Lake again, S reported feeling weak and sick - Not good that. I need to make an appointment and have the boy tested for diabetes. It does run in his family. He shouldn't be going weak like that after a stroll in the park and the only other person I've seen do that is V, on account of her diabetes.

When we got to the dock there was water all along the side but I managed to wade out and then fling myself forward to scramble up onto the thing without having to go any deeper than my knees. There was a timber floating in the water. I dragged it back and we set it up so R could use it as a bridge and come and join me but S didn't know what I was up to so he took the long way around.

One of my new sub-goals is to play outside more. This counts nicely as more playing.

Once home I made potato pancakes and then R and I fell asleep on my bed. I slept at least a couple of hours and woke up in a crummy mood. A lot of that, I discovered was because with all the windows closed to keep Hanna out the house was really hot and I was roasting. I started the process of trying to salvage the day, resolving firmly to be mature and in control of my moods and not to allow a black dog mood to rule me.

I got laundry on and I cooked hamburger and macaroni. I got some biking done and marinated chicken... Little by little I worked on things until now I am happy to report that I completed my full exercise routine and did everything except the usual forgotten weights, and for a change because I didn't eat much today I only managed three fruit so didn't manage the five vegetables and fruit I aim for.

I also did V's hair and found one louse, so she got the full Nix treatment and her bedding bundled and a new pillow and so on.

Today I finally played "Oh Dear, What Can the Matter Be" without making an error. My first time. And today I am pleased with my drawing, if not a first, something quite rare.

I put Advantage on the cats because I am itching like crazy and while there is no evidence of fleas I'm darn well going to be as aggressive as I can about the vermin in the house.

I hate having vermin in the house! It is driving me lunatic!

LQ phoned at ten thirty to ask if I had a statement from B's bank account - I didn't. She updated me on her condition, which is terrible, as the hospice social worker said. I asked if she would be alive by the time I get there on the twenty-fourth and they thought about it and said, yeah, she should still be alive. In other words, as I think, she should be alive but barely. That is what I am aiming for. I hope to have a last visit.

I pray that the lice are all gone before I need to go to Maryland. What a rotten complication.

E is phoning every day to chat for forty-five minutes or so. She is definitely not incommunicado. Today she bought a bed and was waiting for it to be delivered. Once it is assembled she will stop being a house guest and move into her own tiny wee little apartment.

I didn't get much done today, because of the kids and the long nap I took, but I kept in place, and when you consider I had the pests as well as my usual goals and the new house keeping ones, I think I did okay.

Friday is often a difficult day for me. It is the end of the week and I usually have errands and things to run. Friday is usually a grocery night. I took Thursday off my exercise plan as I was supposed to. Friday, I did it lightly, but I did do it. I managed to walk and I managed two kilometers on the bike. Other than that the only reason I can be positive is because I did indeed work on it and make myself do some of it. I didn't give up.

Today was also a heavy day. Guess what I discovered? R had head lice, and I did too and so did S. YucK! So I went out and got lice shampoo, new baseball caps and new pillows. Then it was home, shampoo and lice treat each head in turn and comb them out. R's was the hardest because she had both the most hair and the most lice. I must have spent two hours going over her poor head. V very kindly did my head with the fine tooth comb. But not only that, she made me some eggs to eat, and vacuumed the furniture.

Anyway, I also had to notify poor E that there were lice in the household in case she had taken them with her. It seems not but there were still three phone calls while she dealt with the situation. And then my friend A called about the church supper -A is in the church with V, and then I had to call B who is getting weaker and getting much higher doses of pain medication. I stripped the beds and gathered up caps and I remade the beds. End result was that most of my day was taken up with phone calls or the lice issue and not much time available for trying to write my homesteading story, nor working on my health and development program. It was after six before I even began it.

I did well today. I did everything except the weights, and I did weightless squats as a preparing to do the full weight routine baby step.

I can feel proud of myself again today. It wasn't a very interesting day but anyway I did what I was supposed to.

I don't know how hard lice are to get rid of, but we had fleas one summer when E was small and they were a nightmare. The apartment got full of them and nothing I tried got rid of them until I finally put one cat in the kennel and took the other cat outside with me and got the apartment sprayed. It was one of my worst experiences ever because it happened during the summer my wife was away and we were breaking up and I was not coping well, and that day I had a migraine.

So I am wondering if lice could possibly be as bad an experience. I'm being aggressive with them. I only hope I am being aggressive enough. I have nightmares of being the kind of person who ends up with bugs chronically. I do not like the idea of having to shave everyone's heads, not mine, not S's and not poor R's. At least S and I could get away with bristle cuts but I think my co-workers would suspect something because they have never seen me with hair as short as my ears...

Anyway the thing to do is to keep attacking them. As of this week, lice control measures take priority over everything else.

Man, I just feel so soiled and frustrated about it. Luckily I am able to keep in perspective that if this is the worst thing that happens this fall, it will be a good season. I also feel like I ought to apologize about them, even though it is probably the kids' friends who brought them into the house. I know, because their friend E had his head shaved and they crashed and slept on the couch.

I took a break from reading the Little House Books in French to read the first twenty pages of a Larousse history book about Les Romains. I am getting a great deal of it.

Doing okay. I did all my health and development plan except the weights and the recorder and I intend to do the recorder once R is finished her home schooling. I dug out what I need to pay the first installment of the taxes to take to work, and what S needs to get a picture ID. I don't know if he can get over the border with it. That's the difficulty. But perhaps I will try to get him a passport in a rush after that, as she might well last until the end of October which could be enough time.

Anyway I am pleased with progress in all the house.

It is painfully late being nearly 10:30 but I took an hour and a half's nap after I came home which means that 10:30 is the equivalent of nine and I have been going to bed at ten and finding it enough sleep.

R has found the flashcard testing function on Word Champ and is using that which will give her an added drill to memorize her phrases. She has also decided to learn to read upside down and is doing so using her science book everyday as part of her homeschooling. Ingenious child. That works for me.

E phoned to say she had an apartment in the McGill ghetto. We talked for forty-five minutes. I used up most of the leftover rice making a delicious rice pudding but it can't have been healthy for me being sweet and made with cream.

I have done fifteen kilometers on the bike in three days. This is extremely good. I have 550 kilometers to go, roughly so at this rate that would be 110 days... I might do it before the end of the winter, but I doubt it.

I wrote a long letter to A today.

Much excitement today. The hospice social worker from Montgomery County down in Maryland called me to say B's condition had gotten really bad and that she needed to go under 24 hour at home care, and I needed to arrange for it to be paid for... I fired off letters to sister-in-law in California and my sister A letting them know that it was getting towards the grim part, and sat waiting for the e-mail which would require my signatures releasing them to care for her and would commit me to pay for it. At fifteen dollars an hour it would add up to more than 2500 per week.

It was not a good day. I was on my third day of migraine and often in dark glasses and dazed. I hurt. But I persevered. After work I trotted into the bank to see if I could get a US chequing account. I could but the teller helpfully explained that Canadian cheques will not clear off US banks no matter what currency they are in thanks to the new clearing regulations. Oh.That explains a few problems we've been having at work and I was right about my suspicions but it left me wondering how on earth I would manage to issue pay cheques to home care workers this Friday???

But once home I called B and called her good friends and B feels she can handle writing a few cheques and the good friends promise to write cheques too, if I transfer money to them should it be necessary so it looks like it will be possible to handle.

Right now I am wondering when I should go. How long does B have to live? I am scheduled to go on the 24th. Will she still be alive? Still be compos mentis instead of drugged to prevent distress from suffocating to death from lung cancer? Or will she have sufficiently long to live after that that she will be angling to get another visit from me in early November? I dunno. But I think she is definitely going to be gone by Christmas and I would not be surprised if she died before the end of September. She was certainly not in good shape yesterday, but she was in better shape today...

Play it by ear.

I went to the Wal-Mart as scheduled after work and got Benedryl for V and Advil for myself and for the household, clean new sheets for the two bairns, a new set of pots to replace the ones that E had carbonized while she still lived here, and new shower curtains. I won't put the curtains up until I take the old ones down and do a thorough mold scrub of the tiles.

I am pleased with this although it all came to $120, that does include bread, milk and a big bag of shrimp.

V and I made dinner and she did most of the clean up so the kitchen is still great and I am very happy about that. The clean up I did on Saturday has not yet been obliterated.

Once dinner was done I launched first into my routines and then got R to home school. S is blissfully sleeping since probably late morning, so he cannot be requested to do his home school. I saved one kilometer on the bike, the drawing and the recorder practice for after R had finished her work but I got them done, eating once last nectarine to take my fruit and vegetables to five. End result I have everything on my list except half a walk - it was too hot at lunch time and I was fielding phone calls from home care agencies- and no weights again.

This means I am on track for September and when you consider I was sick until when I started to come home I am doing very well indeed. My morale is good. I feel I handled the situation okay. I also got a lot of work done today at work, but that is by the by.

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I wrote just two weeks ago? That's funny. It seems much longer. Not that a lot has happened since then. Basically I have been running in place, getting to work and doing my work, and getting my vitamins and my fruits and vegetables, but not doing my exercise routines. I've done well on the French. I just finished reading Un Enfant de la Terre which I found exceedingly good. But basically I gave up on the bike, gave up on all but the minimal walks to work, gave up on the art, gave up even on the stretches.

What's my excuse? Maybe the weather. I think it has been pretty warm, too warm for me...

Brief interruption. R went into the kitchen in the dark and opened the chest freezer. My tea mug and spoon went flying. Loud crash and cry of dismay. To my surprise the mug wasn't even chipped. To my pleasure I found a missing spoon, a missing butter knife and a missing potato peeler while I dug behind and underneath the freezer.

Anyway... However it is I have gotten little to nothing done on my health and development plan over the last few weeks. The heat may have indeed been a major factor. Another factor has been E leaving. She left yesterday. In the days prior to her departure I was open to having her socialize with me in the evening, so I saw a lot of her and this took up time that otherwise would have gone to the program. I do not feel that the time was badly spent.

About two weeks before she left E announced the intention of dropping out of my life once she moved to Montreal. I was upset, but decided the mature thing to do was nothing, continue to be supportive and so on. I had brief childish thoughts of retaliation, such as of not paying her tuition contribution but I reminded myself that maybe she had to do this, like reconnecting with her mother, and my role was obviously to welcome her back, and to encourage her in what decisions she made if they weren't obviously harmful ones.

We took her out to dinner Thursday. Friday I went to see her off at the bus station and instead of being the only one there the rest of the family had come to. Her bus got in around seven o'clock Montreal time. By eleven o'clock the same day she had phoned with her brand new cell phone number and the news that she had unlimited calling from and to our home phone number. So much for dropping out of sight!

I have been snappish and on the outs with poor V lately. V and E never got on, and some of this I think was E's hate on for her natal mother, projected on V, but another big chunk of it was that V was often mean as hell to E. So I am mad at V about that. No serious blow ups, and V has bargained that if I stop taking out my anxiety about E on her she will stop snapping at me.

Yesterday I asked if everyone would be willing to help out on a big household clean up and got a lukewarm answer. I got started this morning. I cleaned up and swept the living room and the downstairs bathroom. I gather three bags of garbage and threw them out. I did clean up in the library, the kitchen, R's room and in S's old room. He has swapped rooms with E. I did a bunch of laundry...

I got masses of that stuff done.

Then I went on line, missing E and looked up her nic on line. I found a site called 43 things where she was a member and promptly joined it. Not that I linked to her. I don't want to stalk her! But I listed four things I want to do in life, and found a picture to put up of me.

Then I started my exercise program. I managed five klicks, drawing, French, sit-ups, dance and stretches.

I've done well today.