It has been many months since B died, and many months since I made a journal entry.

  E has remained in close contact, phoning from Montreal several times a week.

  My mother has attempted to get back in contact with me again, which is not good. My mother has Wernicke Korsakov psychosis and about three and a half years ago I broke contact with her, figuring it was better for the children, and in fact safer for all of us. Hopefully my being unwilling to resume contact with her will discourage her. R in Toronto says that she still often goes into long rants about how badly I have treated her and what a terrible person I am. I'm the bad son. As long as she feels I'm the bad guy I'm sure it's not safe to have contact with her.

  I frequently feel badly remembering how B died, and details about it, like that last five day vigil while I gave her morphine and stayed in the bedroom with her and she was generally not conscious. I wince about it when I think about her. I dunno why I am carrying this with me. I understood when I got sad when my dad died, but didn't expect to be injured when B did. When I went to the funeral she had chosen a hymn which had the tune to "Jupiter" from "The Planets" by Holst, because she knew I loved that piece and I am afraid sitting there I broke up really shamefully, not just tearing but boo-hooing, no self control at all. I dunno why it hit me all so hard. I thought I was tougher than that, or at least not so close to her.

I was fired at the end of January, basically because I missed so much time during the summer with all the visits to Maryland. They waited until January to do it but I could tell the writing was on the wall. V was laid off a week later so we are now all living on EI. However the debt is down to only some thirteen-thousand so we can almost make ends meet. Unfortunately E in Montreal needs more money as she is not yet working, and has rent to pay instead of free room and board living at home. One way or another we will contrive. I am waiting for money to come in from some source so I can pay the bills this month. It might be V's severance, my tax return or inheritance money. Or nothing might show up until June.

The lice are gone although I think it took until Christmas because I just couldn't stop R from re-infecting herself. She would wear hats and things and not change her pillowcase after lice treatments. I found the unused pillowcases in her room. But luckily the rest of us got rid of them and stayed without them.

I got to spend time with A in Maryland the week of the funeral. That was tremendously important to me.

I am still using 43Things, and still trying to meet my health and development routines. But now that I am not working the three I am really trying to work hard at are accounting courses, studying French and writing.

I'm okay. I'm pissed off because of my mother trying to hunt me down and showing up on my doorstep -I can sympathise, but only a little. If she were not still bitterly angry at me I would sympathise more. And I am worried a lot about money.

I am very happy because the exercise program meant that in the spring I was in as good shape or better than I had been in the fall. It feels grand to lope up hills

Current Mood: contemplative